Where are you these days?

Some questions sound perfectly benign but hold more power than we think. Like a lot of power. I encountered one such question a week ago when I posted vacation photos on social media and a girlfriend commented, Where are you these days? I was in the Bahamas at the time and thrilled, of course, to answer the question and even extrapolate a little, adding qualifiers like amazing, stunning, inspirational. I may even have confessed, In my happy place.

Upon returning home, also a wonderful place but not one as majestic and peaceful and just plain gorgeous as my favorite island, I began reflecting on the myriad areas of my life to which that question applied. Where was I, really? And why didn’t I interrogate myself more often about the figurative places I had settled into -- either by choice or misstep or neglect or comfort? I didn’t often check in with the emotional, physical, and spiritual states I was in. So how did I truly know where I was? And if I didn’t know, how could I evaluate and make changes where necessary.

We tend to view the notion of self-care as selfish or hippie-ish or even ethereal. It’s not tactile, so how do we know it exists? I think it’s also a concept we don’t discuss for fear of sounding weak or self-centered, or worse, like a narcissistic asshole. But we need to take care of ourselves; we need to look, periodically, at how much we’re truly engaged with our lives, how much each area is balanced with the others; we need to determine whether we’re fulfilled, whether we’re healthy, and whether -- here it comes -- we’re happy.

Another girlfriend (I am blessed to know many smart women) once told me that she followed the 80/20 ratio to life. If a situation of her choosing didn’t create happiness 80% of the time, she would alter the situation. This made sense to me, but . . . I simply couldn’t follow the directive. Somehow I felt powerless before the idea of shifting that ratio if necessary, of increasing the happiness to 80% and determining that 20% was the total amount of difficulty, i.e. shit, I would accept.

I’ve heard many times that happiness is not a valid quest because life is difficult and happiness is fleeting. But I don’t view things that way anymore. I don’t see happiness as an ephemeral feeling of euphoria but rather as a God-given (universe-given, whatever you want to call it) right, as sustenance, as almost a calling. Because the happier we are, the more we experience in our lives, the more engaged we are, the more empowered we are, and the more connected we feel to our neighbors and coworkers and children and baristas. The more joy we encounter, the more we want to accomplish and learn and experience, which is truly good for our brains. It’s healthy. And straight up neuroscience.

So sometimes we need to check in with ourselves in order to return the proper balance to the ratio, to shift or fix or completely transform a situation. Life can be difficult, of course. Experiences can be painful, it goes without saying. We can’t be happy in every moment or feel deeply fulfilled everyday, but we can feel empowered to move toward engagement in everything we undertake. That’s where I am. . . it ain’t the Bahamas, but it’s definitely a happy place.

Reflecting in my happy place. #bahamamamahappygirl