Happy Happy Life Hacks
1 -- Buy a great brush and treat it well. The rectangular primping tool that you hold proudly in your hand will save your appearance and boost your confidence on occasions ranging from 8 a.m. work meetings to which you arrive flustered at 7:55 to happy hour at the new outdoor bar frequented only by the hippest of Silicon Valley. Because, truly, bad hair can ruin even a great martini moment. Bad hair is real.
2 -- Work out as often as possible. Jog through the neighborhood avoiding trash cans on pick up day and teens on skateboards always. Or choose your favorite nearby park to bike around every evening before dinner. Or enjoy the ambiance at the gym even if the lady on the treadmill next to you chats so much that you have to feign preternatural interest in your music to avoid her. Sometimes ride twice around that park or arrive earlier than usual to the gym to occupy your favorite machine, the one that you may not have used for weeks because that one guy is ALWAYS on it for over an hour. Then feel satisfied because you know nobody likes that guy and even though you're being childish, this knowledge somehow makes you feel better.
3 -- Don't hesitate to buy the items you need. This does not include a Tesla or an Apple watch because nobody needs a $100,000 electric car or a watch that knows more about their life than they do. But it does include a healthy lunch and green tea in the mornings and the skirt you've been coveting for two weeks because it's the perfect length and you could practically wear it daily by alternating the four tops you already own that match it perfectly. Crazy, right?
4 -- Practice yoga or at least tell people you do. Or just actually do yoga. Everybody says it's good for you. And for your spine. And your shoulders. And core. Also, meditate. Studies honestly prove that regular meditation can positively alter brain waves. So meditation -- alone by your bed or in a silent group at the church on the corner on Thursdays, is better than xanax or valium. Naturally.
5 -- Don't chew ice. This goes without saying. You'll bother the person sitting next to you in the car or on the light rail or in class or in a meeting, and you'll ruin your teeth and be obligated to replace those shiny molars with sparkling crowns that will cost more than you ever thought you’d pay for dental work.. Plus, while avoiding your dentist to avoid the lecture and the inevitable crowns, you'll sometimes randomly let your tongue scan the back of your teeth gauging the amount of plaque build-up, which is just annoying and gross.
6 -- Go out to karaoke. This also goes without saying because everybody knows music is good for the soul. Sing with your friends at dive bars. Or try more upscale, if those exist, karaoke venues downtown. Or sing in your friend’s living room after the kids have gone to bed or maybe before so that they, too, can experience the energy and laughter emanating from the couch as you try, again, to master Bohemian Rhapsody.
7 -- If you're single and the cute Uber driver is flirting with you, flirt back! But don't move into the front seat unless he asks. And two weeks later, don't start stalking him even if he announced, ten minutes into the drive, that -- what a coincedence! -- you're practically neighbors, he lives behind the movie theatre a mile away. Because no one likes a creeper. And stalking is neither polite nor attractive.
And most importantly: Smile as much as possible. And when you're feeling incapable of curling those lips toward your cheekbones, know that soon enough you will again. Because luckily, life is like that. Hack # 8
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